


Letter_to_Friends.txt

by reisadork



Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: (Can I tag character this character study?), Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Healing, Letter to Self, Post-Canon, Suggested suicidal thoughts, mental health, non narrative fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24833770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reisadork/pseuds/reisadork
Summary: A hypothetical letter that (Host) Elliot may type out to his system in order to thank them afterward. I felt sad and indulged myself with this.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Letter_to_Friends.txt

**Author's Note:**

> CW: suggested suicidal thoughts (not explicit), some language.  
> (This doesn't relate at all to the other post canon work I'm currently in the middle of (I'll get to it at some point), this is more like a side indulgence I felt up to posting because why the hell not?)

Dear friends, 

Darlene and I wanted to say thank you. She’s good, I think you might know that but I’m not sure. How often do any of you come around? I’m happy we can finally be family again. We haven’t been this close since we were kids, but I guess you definitely know that much. Together we’ve made a pact: work on ourselves. Probably something we should’ve done ages ago, to be honest. I wish I could connect with you to tell you the rest of this myself, but I won’t force you to come forward. Working on myself also means things will happen at their own pace so this will do for now. 

There was a time when my life felt like a lie. Nothing felt real, and nothing felt important. Pointlessness was everywhere, all I had was meaningless to me. My existence was meaningless to me. I was stuck in this cycle, always finding myself in a low place no matter how hard I tried. Stuck between living a lie and living for empty escapes to feel something. I was always feeling like a burden to those around me and I didn’t want that. So I tried to feel alive, to feel normal just however I could but still, it wasn’t working. I became the best at it too and it still didn’t work. My ways of coping always just ending up with more pain, I’d shut down and push everyone out because of shame, then finally have to start back all over again to fix things. That’s the cycle. 

The world, that was the thing I told myself every time I needed to bounce back. The way we so carelessly eat each other alive in a dog fight for that one piece of having something we desire out of life while those who sit pretty and in charge make at us any way they want. It happens everywhere, between family, friends, coworkers. I was so tired of always being at the bottom of the fucking barrel taking it all. I redirected myself by getting angry back, it was my fix, my control. Something other than the cycle, but equally a part of it. 

Eventually, my corner of control, the things I did out of anger, it wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I was giving up the fight before I went away. My life was an endless beating that shaped me into someone I didn’t really like all that much. Then instead of really confronting it, I blamed myself for things people did to me. Part of me feels deserving of cruelty. I admit that I still need to work on that, and a lot of other things. I’m not very good at this, admittedly, it will take time and we’ll all need to work together on it. 

However, I’m sure you realize I didn’t blame everything on myself. The world isn’t just fucked for no reason. I’m not the only one taking the piss. It upsets me more I think that everyone has had to suffer. It made me wish for something better. I recognized the truth about the ones who’d rather people die and turn into monsters than to give us an ounce of fair treatment. I confronted that very situation young too. We know that. I soon started to really see how the ones at the tip-top of it all so easily able to fuck each and every one of us, to turn us cruel just like them. Just giving me all the more reason to be angry, and I was tired of being so angry. 

That’s really where the lie of my life comes into the picture because I felt I couldn’t do anything about it. So it was all back to blaming myself. I hated it. In the game of who gets more hate, them, or me, I ended up losing. It’s cruel, we’ve seen it first hand, but I tried to buy into to feel normal - to escape the cycle. I think I convinced myself that was what I really wanted for a very long time, be like everyone else and maybe things will be okay. Yet, I lied to the core of myself by doing that so of course it never worked. 

There was nothing I felt I could do even though I knew what I could do. My wish was always something I knew exactly how to execute. It was some type of revenge and yet I chose not to do anything. Fear got the best of me. I mean I personally would’ve not have done what you did, and yet it saved me. Somehow you pulled this shit off, we did. I think I understand that you did it for me who’d given up... who saw no way out. 

Life felt the way it did because it felt pointless to try at anything but empty escapes and lies to myself. The cycle I have always dealt with was inescapable, even when it was in my reach to take it down. I think because I learned it doesn’t always last and always comes to bite you back that I never tried. Yet I hated myself for it, that I felt powerless. Again, everything I’ve ever gone through turned me into someone I didn’t like very much. Society? It was a passing emotion I had that day, wasn’t it? I said fuck society out of anger but the real meaning behind that is fuck me. I was nothing, and I was left alone locked away to suffer with that.

Enough about all of that though this is about what you did after, and not just in making this world better. You made me realize that I deserve more, and am able to get it. That I have something that won’t ever leave and it always will mean great importance to me. I finally feel, for the first time, that I can break from feeling this way. My life means more than how I am treated in it because I have power in me to find freedom. Your actions show me that I am fully capable of great things and always was. I think from now on I need to be more honest with myself too, I’m not normal and that’s okay, I’m who I am and that’s okay too. That shouldn't make me feel burdened. What all of this has made me realize is that I deserve to not just make this world a better place but I deserve to make something for myself in it. That I deserve to take a stand. I think all of us do.

And we may fall back, but we can keep moving forward right? Things don’t have to keep repeating themselves, we can escape shit like Phil Conners did. The difference is, we were always deserving of love even if we were shitty people sometimes or if people were shitty to us. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t own up to mistakes though too, and that some things just can’t ever be forgiven. It's about gaining a wider perspective of things I'm finding. And all of it is what working on ourselves is. I’m learning that now and I'm able to because of you all.

So thank you, friends. 

Elliot 


End file.
